Why is it so difficult for a woman to tell the world that she doesn’t want to be a parent? Why are so many people shocked or alarmed by the idea of childlessness by choice? Jennifer Leppington-Clark gives her view.
I am reaching the age where my biological clock should be ticking loudly and telling me to start breeding. But it’s not. And I’m okay with that. But it seems that no-one else is.
I’m not sure why it’s an issue for other people how I choose to live my life or define my family. But it is. In the year 2015, when drones and selfie toasters (yes that’s a thing) are commonplace, why are women still challenged about their motherhood status?
Strangely, I find that women are the least understanding. They’ll question you for hours trying to get to the bottom of why you don’t want kids. They’ll even try and unpack if there are any ulterior motives of your partner forcing this decision (it’s not).
It’s as if your point of difference scares them just a little. “We are married, with 2.5 children. You are… well… we can’t put you in a box. And this concerns us.”
But sometimes, late in the evening after a few glasses of wine, other mothers will occasionally admit that being a parent is really, really hard and that if they could turn back the clock they might not have jumped into it.
Of course, they love their kids, don’t get them wrong. But the pure unadulterated selfishness that not being a mother affords you is quite seductive. It’s like when you’re single and you see your friends having ‘a domestic’ and you think, well I may be going home alone, but at least I’m not spending time arguing about whose turn it is to unpack the dishwasher. Again!
Ironically, it’s as if single women are finally being given a small break, but now non-mothers are being attacked with the same vitriol. It’s okay to want to have children and be unable to have them, but it seems it’s the wanting that’s key.
As women we have fought long and hard for many things – the vote, to be able to work, to lead. Do we really also have to fight to be defined by more than if we have given birth?
I have also never had such a conversation with a man. Nor, I’m sure, has a man had to deal with such issues. And I don’t want to make this a men versus women thing. I just want us all to respect each other’s choices. To respect mine.
Having a child is a major commitment, and there’s no real exit clause. And I just don’t want that commitment right now. Will I change my mind in the future? Perhaps. Will it then be “too late”? Probably. Am I okay with this? Yes.
Are you?
* This article first appeared on the Change Exchange, an online platform by BrightRock, provider of the first-ever life insurance that changes as your life changes.
