Donwald Pressly: Once upon a time in Zuptaland…far, far away

It first started with Schabir Shaik, although he didn’t have the resources to run like the Gupta family did when the walls came crushing down. They’ve seemingly left South Africa for greener pastures, apparently back home to India. And in the fabulous fable from Cape Messenger Editor Donwald Pressly below, he looks at how it all got to this point, and who’s next on President Jacob Zuma’s radar. – Stuart Lowman

By Donwald Pressly*

Donwald Pressly
Donwald Pressly

12 April 2016 – Once upon a time, there was a country called the Bottom of Africa. There is the Big Bad Wolf, called Zupta, who became the chief of the nation, all a little by accident. The wiley old man, Zupta, snatched power from his former boss, Africa Umbheki, who decided to run for a third five year term as Big Chief. In the bottom of Africa of those heady days – in 2007 – it was frowned upon for a leader to overstay the limit of two terms of office.

Zupta took advantage of the dissatisfaction of the other chiefs, who were collectively known as the African National Chiefs (ANC), the ruling group. Two to one they broke with Umbheki, and Zupta – although he stood accused at the time of sending some of the lands’ arms caches to his rural retreat for safekeeping – was declared the New Big Chief. The African National Chiefs were tired of the authoritarian and indeed, self-righteous ways of the Umbheki-ites. They did not know what they were in for with the New Big Chief.

Zupta quickly swept aside the Umbheki loyalists, a group whom he believed were obsessed with “strategy documents’, tallying figures, key performance targets and balancing budgets. Out too went Little Phumzile Malaboo-Ngooka, as Deputy Big Chief and stewardess of the Agriba (African Growth in the Bottom of Africa). She was despatched to the United Nations to look after the world’s poor from her New York Manhattan apartment, carefully surrounded by seven bodyguards and a three-car long motorcade.

Off went Umbheki’s business friends, like Moneybags Macozooma, the leader of the Big Business Allocation Council. He didn’t feel so bad because he already had his bread well buttered.  Despatched into the private sector – and out of the ruling chiefs’ council – were representatives of the “Pink People” – a crafty lot who liked to collect money – as represented by “Lightbolt” Erwin. Gone too was another Pink representative, “Overshoot” Kasrils, who opposed the New Big Chief’s view that the land’s resources should be invested as heavily as possible in the Compound of the New Big Chief. Awkwardly “Overshoot” believed the lands fruit, meat and vegetables should be spread equally among all the tribes of the country. So he had to go too. They were just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.

Never be short of Indians

Zupta had always believed that the New Big Chief should never be short of Indians. First it was the Moet and Shabby Shooks brothers, but Big Brother Shabby was caught in the act of safekeeping part of the Zuma arms cache and not sending food parcels quickly enough to the New Big Chief’s “developmental” compound. So Shabby – after a stay in the Big Chief’s Correction Centre where he took charge of the firepool  – retreated to the Ethekwini-based British Middle East Sporting and Golf Course. Apart from an unhappy outburst on the green, he has been living happily ever since.

Zupta then found the Gookas from India. They had a penchant for splendid parties, something the African National Chiefs have always loved. So taken was the New Big Chief with the Gookas that a senior official allowed them to use of the New Big Chief’s airport at Gin and Tonic-kloof to fly their wedding guests in from India. The naughty official was punished. He is now Roving Ambassador-in-Chief in Kashmir, Syria, Afghanistan as well as the Yemen.

All went well for a long spell. The Gookas were enterprising people. They formed the New Rage newsletter, which viewed everything the New Big Chief did as “developmental’. Then they bought up all sectors of the economy: Financial services, IT and communications, publishing, mining and agriculture. They helped the president select his minor chiefs too, because the New Big Chief was a busy man and he needed help.

But the workload got too much for the Gookas. Capturing the Bottom of Africa’s economy and having to dabble in politics and keep the New Big Chief’s extended family employed all proved too much. They fled. This time, they did not want to embroil the New Big Chief in a controversy over the use of Gin and Tonic-Kloof airport, so they left quietly from a new airport they had built – back to India via Dubai. Now, New Big Chief Zupta urgently needs a new group of Indians.

*Donwald Pressly, Editor of Cape Messenger

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