đź”’ WORLDVIEW: Get your life in order before your heirs have to do it

The death of a loved one is a sad event. But it can be all the more difficult when the grieving process is complicated by the need to invest hours of work into packing up a household full of unwanted stuff and wrestling with paperwork to deal with the absence of a will.

No one likes to think about the end of their life – we are all afraid of our own mortality. But our reluctance to face up to the inevitable can impose serious emotional, physical, and labour costs on the people we love the most.

In my own family, the deaths – in quick succession – of a great uncle and great aunt have caused enormous disruption, leaving their son, a man with an intellectual disability and a limited capacity to care for himself, at the mercy of relatives and the courts. A will from the 1970s has provided little guidance on how to pay for his care, and a lifetime of accumulated possessions in a large house have meant a lot of hard work for family members with many other responsibilities. It’s a sad legacy – and a situation that could easily have been avoided.
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Why don’t we do it?

People make many excuses for failing to plan for their passing. For example, a friend’s cousin refused to engage in estate planning after being diagnosed with terminal cancer because to do so would be to “deny the Lord the chance to work a miracle.” Since his death, his spouse and her two small children have faced major practical and financial difficulties that could have been avoided by a few days of end-of-life planning and preparation.

Other popular excuses I have heard include being “too busy”, not wanting to “tempt fate”, and assuming that the law will work things out fairly without clear, documented guidance. None of these is a good reason not to put in the work of helping your family deal with your loss.

What should we do?

There are several related processes involved in easing the way for your heirs. Doing these things, especially once you are older, can prevent untold heartache and difficulties.

  1. Dostadning

This Swedish word, literally “death cleaning”, is the process of gently clearing your home of the things that you and your heirs will neither need nor want. Downsizing has been part of the Western lexicon for a long time – the idea that once the kids are grown, couples or individuals should cut down on things. Live in a smaller home, own fewer possessions, get rid of items that aren’t needed.

Dostadning is an extension of this idea. It involves opening up your cupboards and asking yourself what you really need – and what you really want to leave behind. It also involves giving things away with a free hand to the people around you.

For those who engage in it, the process is often described as liberating and uplifting. It allows you to revisit old memories as you go through sentimental items, and lets you experience the joy of passing meaningful items on to friends and family. For example, many people leave their jewellery to their family upon their deaths. Dostadning would suggest you should give away pieces now, while you can still enjoy the pleasure of giving, and keep only a few favourites for yourself.

  1. Documents

Preparing a will can be a simple matter if you don’t have too much. But a more complex will, one that gives your family clear instructions about your wishes for end-of-life care, is worth doing. Many people say that they would hate to be trapped in a coma, or violently resuscitated on a weekly basis as their health failed (this happened to my grandmother, and was particularly difficult for all of us). Unfortunately, the verbal instructions you give don’t have any legal weight. Nothing beats a clearly written, detailed, notarised will.

Read also: Take care of your family, write a will

You can also help your family by gathering up all your documents – insurance policy paperwork, passports, bank statements, homeownership documentation – in one place and organising it. No one else knows the details of your financial life, but they may nevertheless be called upon to unravel it once you are gone. Make it easy for them.

  1. Digital

Today, much of our lives are lived online – not just through social media platforms but, more practically, through digital banking and so on. Make sure that you have all of your passwords stored somewhere secure for your family to access so they can get into your various accounts. You should also consider organising your digital documents – photos, videos, and the like – as you would any others.

It’s also a good idea to indicate your wishes for digital properties you own. What should your heirs do with your Facebook account? What about any websites you own? The more instruction you leave, the fewer painful decisions they will have to make.

Death comes to us all. It’s the tragedy of human lives – we know we’re alive and we know we will one day die. Facing this reality is a difficult journey, with a host of mental, emotional, and spiritual implications. But in the midst of confronting our own mortality, we should not forget those we will leave behind. It is an act of love to prepare the way for your family so that your death – while it may be a source of grief – is not a source of stress, anxiety, and hardship.

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