It’s a number and a symbol with almost mystical powers, but for Pi Delport, it’s also an affirmation of the joy of finally realising who you are, and who you’re proud to be.
By Mandy Collins*
Many of us will be familiar with the feeling of not being comfortable with some aspect of our bodies. Imagine then what it must be like to be uncomfortable with your gender, to not be at home in your body at all.
“For many years, I walked the path of not identifying with or fitting in with being assigned and treated as male,” says Pi Delport, a trans woman. “I was ‘other’, I was weird, I felt unable to talk about it to anyone.
“I compromised and half convinced myself I could be a tomboy inside, while acting and pretending to be male to the world at large. When I learned that transgender people existed, I feared the reality of being trans as one of the most terrible things you could be… as something that dooms you to rejection, isolation, and being cast out from society.”
Pi says she buried herself in work and other pursuits – using busyness to distract herself from the very real issues she was confronting. “The dam I had tried to build finally broke in 2015. A series of events forced me to confront the plain and simple truth. I had to live a veracious life, if there was any point in living. Once I got over that self-denial, the decision to transition was the most obvious thing in the world. It was that or die trying.”
How did you feel before your transition, versus the way you feel now?
I was a compromised, incomplete, awkward shadow of myself. Someone curled up, and too afraid to so much as unfurl a limb. I spent my time and energy denying, rejecting, and fighting everything inside me, instead of embracing and living it.
After self-realising as trans, everything changed. I didn’t feel different, so much as I actually allowed myself to feel for the first time. I discovered who I actually was, what I actually liked, what happiness and joy and internal freedom actually were. I discovered what it was like to interact with people naturally, and genuinely. I discovered that ‘being yourself’ is not a mythical thing after all.
Imagine wearing a suit of heavy plate armour all your life, before one day finally discarding and leaving it behind. You don’t even realise how heavy and restrictive and tiring and limiting it was until it’s gone.
Pi is such an appropriate name for a programmer. What does it mean to you?
Pi preserves a link with my old name, and my past. As much as the past can be poignant, it’s still part of me, and this name is my way of saying that I’m still that same person, just more true and refined than before, with some of the rougher edges shaved away.
Pi is also the prime-counting function, describing the prime numbers which are the root of all harmony, resonance, and music in the world. The primes and the music they give rise to will always be incredibly important to me, and this name is my way of echoing that, and of reminding myself of the harmony and resonance that I have found in myself, in the world around me, and that I will always keep striving for. So, mix those layers, and you’ve baked a Pi!
What do you love about software development?
Computer programming has always been my passion. There are few things as beautiful and wonderful to me as exploring the structure and nature of information itself, and manipulating it in ways limited only by my own understanding and imagination.
Being a woman at work still has its pitfalls. What challenges do you face above and beyond that?
For most trans people, transitioning at work is a big and scary challenge. Transmisogyny can be an especially pernicious intersection of problems. It hits trans women with dual barrels of misogyny, transphobia, and even homophobia.
I’m fortunate that my workplace is completely accepting and supportive of me, but even then, I walk the line between wanting to be openly trans – I wear a transgender symbol on my necklace, and I don’t make efforts to hide my gender history – while at the same time not wanting to stand out or be defined just by my transgender status.
What is the biggest obstacle you face?
Right now, my biggest obstacle is not having enough time to do all the things I want to do! I live a full, active, and busy life now, in stark contrast to before transition, and I’m always trying to balance my priorities so that I don’t neglect the people, passions, and causes I care about.
What are your views on the shortage of women in IT fields?
It’s a serious, deep-rooted problem in the industry. Sexism, misogyny, and toxic masculinity alienate and drive out so many talented women, and there are too few workplaces that are relatively free from that. I try to do my part to counter this by participating in local communities such as Women in Tech Cape Town, and contributing to initiatives such as Code4CT.
What has been the biggest game-changer in your personal life?
Transition, and meeting my loved ones. These game-changing events and threads become woven into a tapestry that’s so rich and hard to pull apart, but they define the course and trajectory of our lives, and they certainly have mine.
What do you love about change?
When it makes things better!
What do you hate about change?
When it makes things worse! Obviously, this highlights how much we have to keep working for change for the better, and fight back against change for the worse.
If you could change one thing about the way the working world treats trans people, what would it be?
Treat them as human beings, because that’s what they are. Give trans people the same respect, support and recognition that you give cis people: let them exist and live and work without having to fear for their lives, livelihoods, and wellbeing just because they happen to be trans. It’s the simplest thing, but it seems to be the hardest thing in practice.
How do you approach other things you want to change about yourself?
Methodically! I make lists, break down plans, schedule tasks, set reminders, build habits, capture data, chart progress graphs. If there’s something I’ve set my mind to, you can bet I probably have a system to keep myself motivated and accountable.
What’s the scariest thing you’ve done?
Most recently, pepper-spraying and fending off a knife-wielding attacker when I was mugged on the way home. It was a stark reminder of how small the distance can be between just going about your day, and becoming the next transgender hate-crime murder statistic, if a situation like that escalates badly.
Who is your personal role model?
If I had to choose one person, it’s my mother. She lived and taught me the values I live by. She was an embodiment of strength and determination against any odds. She never let adversity get her down, or tarnish her good nature. She worked tirelessly and selflessly to improve the lives of everyone around her. She loved and cared deeply and unconditionally. I strive to live a life she’d be proud of.
Is there a book that has changed your life?
One keystone would be all the books on popular science and mathematics that I devoured as a teen from the local library and elsewhere: they fed my passion for computer programming and understanding the world.
The other would be Terry Pratchett’s works: the gentle wisdom they contain taught me more about human nature and our place in the world than I’d probably care to admit. We are Pan narrans, the storytelling ape, and we are the authors of our own stories.
What is your life purpose? What impact would you like your life to have?
If I leave the world a better place for us than it was before, I’ll die happy.
Picture: KATOTechnology
- This interview first appeared on the Change Exchange, an online platform by BrightRock, provider of the first-ever life insurance that changes as your life changes. The opinions expressed in this piece don’t necessarily reflect the views of BrightRock.
