By Toni Botes
While we need to satisfy our most basic needs, such as food, shelter, and Wi-Fi, to exist; it’s a pretty miserable existence without emotional connection. In our increasingly productivity-driven world, many of us are beginning to realise that perhaps human connection is more critical than ever. The foundations of such connection can be found in empathy. Humans and animals alike benefit from empathy for many reasons. Empathy deepens our connections with those around us, improves our relationships, and helps us manage conflict more productively. In the wild, survival may depend on empathy. However, it doesn’t always come naturally. Most of us rarely get it right. But empathy can be taught and learned; you just need to want to learn.
What is empathy?
To learn it, we must first understand what it is. The most common definition of empathy is the capacity to understand and feel another person’s experience from their frame of reference. It sounds simple enough, but putting it into action may not be. The words of authors, scientists, professors, Ted-talkers, and community leaders help us demystify this murky world of emotions.
“In order to empathise with someone’s experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be.”
Al Womack, Executive Director of Alton Boys & Girls Club, Alton, IL
Empathy is not restricted to humans
Accomplished primatologist and biologist Frans de Waal tells us that 95% of our behaviour is primate behaviour. So, what does that have to do with empathy? Scientists have long observed empathy in primates and other animal species. Primates display fairness, empathy, and a willingness to care for and help others. Whether this is an evolutionary trait or not seems debatable; perhaps proof can be seen in the survival of their species. Primates and many other animals have complex social hierarchies that must be maintained to survive. Lone animals cast out of their communities do not fare as well. So, it stands to reason that animals benefit from being kind to others in their communities.
Survival and empathy
Frans de Waal has written and spoken extensively on the concept of the ‘alpha’ within groups of animals such as primates. It is critical to note that primate communities have alpha males and females which serve different functions but are equally important. The alpha, however, is not merely the strong and admired leader. They also have to display empathy to win their communities’ support. This empathy enables them to foster constructive group dynamics, protect the underdog, and display impartiality in conflict resolution. Empathy dramatically enhances their chances of survival, and that’s why primates tend to choose leaders who are not supportive of bullies and provide some sense of social security. Humans aren’t much different.
The universality of empathy
Consider how we care for the sick. We nurse them, we take them food, ensure they are comfortable, and that their needs are met. This exact behaviour has also been observed in chimps. In his work with chimpanzees, Frans de Waal noted a particular instance of a chimpanzee group’s alpha male becoming ill. As a result, he lost his position as the alpha. He continued to deteriorate, so Frans and his team separated him from the group, giving him his own cage. But they kept it open so the sick alpha male could still have contact with the other chimps in the group. They also brought him food and wood wool (used to make nests), and propped him up like a sick patient. It must be noted, however, that things don’t always end so well when alphas are dethroned. Regardless, perhaps there is more to empathy than the mere survival of the group.
How do humans benefit from empathy?
Humans are more developed intellectually, linguistically, and technologically, but we still share many of the same complex prosocial behaviours. We have hierarchies, friendships, and attachments, all strengthened by empathy. We, too, survive through the kindness and support of others. The benefits of empathy include reducing stress, fostering resilience, nurturing trust, nourishing connections, and enabling personal growth. We need empathy to manage conflict and collaborate. This single aspect of emotional intelligence enables us to run businesses, raise families, and support those in difficult circumstances – because we know tomorrow that could be us. Whether your goal is to be a leader or not, empathy is critical. This complex behaviour ensures our survival in times of crisis, but when things are simpler, empathy helps us and our communities thrive.
Practicing empathy to thrive
Beyond leadership and survival, we can only benefit from practising empathy. There are what some psychologists deem ‘fundamental lessons’ which we may have never quite grasped. But it’s never too late to learn. Accomplished academic Brené Brown breaks down the practice of human empathy into four key steps. These steps can have a profound effect on our personal and professional lives.
Learn how to take perspective
Perspective means setting aside your own feelings and experiences to understand the world as someone else does. No matter how dissimilar their lives are, we can find commonality, which can be a driving force behind empathy. Picture a time when you had a similar experience or comparable feelings. It’s nearly impossible to imagine someone else’s discomfort when we can’t recall our own.
Refrain from judgement
We may think, ‘How did you even get into that situation?’ or ‘You’re upset over nothing’; these judgements minimise and invalidate a person’s feelings. This judgment can be incredibly destructive. Empathy relies on an openness to someone else’s feelings. Listening without jumping to conclusions, imposing your own beliefs, or apportioning blame is more productive.
Recognising emotions
Taking perspective and drawing from your own similar experiences and feelings makes it easier to acknowledge what someone is feeling. Relay what you’ve understood from the conversation and try to name their feelings. You can make them feel heard by saying things like, ‘It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated’.
Communicate
Once you’ve recognised someone’s feelings, it’s essential to validate them. You can do this by saying, ‘I’m so sorry you’re frustrated. I can relate, and it’s awful. Tell me more’. When someone’s feelings are validated, they feel less alone in their troubles.
Feelings can be messy, and we often avoid them as we try to move forward with our lives. But when all is said and done, emotional connection is the glue that maintains our families, cultures, society, well-being, survival, and potential to thrive – whether we are humans or animals. When we no longer avoid the feelings of others, we are one step closer to making the world a kinder place, and we could all do with a bit of that.
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