CAPE TOWN — Simon Lincoln Reader has that enviable ability to sum up entire societal upheavals in a few laconic, amusing phrases – while poking fun equally at himself and others. His latest column begins unassumingly by giving his ego a gentle ribbing while satirising his own self-importance in a Ralph Steadman-like literary sketch of slumming it with various odd-bods at a charity wine-tasting. But the real tuna steak of the piece comes with a few deft brush-strokes describing how a tiny minority of South Africa’s bottom feeders muddy the waters for the entire population, making it difficult for the world to see the reality of who we are. You could stretch a point and say it’s the satirically-disguised version of Professor Jonathan Jansen’s recent Biznews contribution giving perspective on the amazing virtues of South Africans and reminding us how historically we’ve always pulled ourselves back from the precipice. But lest, heaven forfend, we get soppy, he quickly moves onto names exotic and views banal, having a crack at the simplistic political outlook of some working-class Brits about the land which some of their colonial forefathers once settled to briefly claim as their own. – Chris Bateman
By Simon Lincoln Reader*
Monday
The first thing I see: the words “W”, “E” and “F” in capitals on the back of what looks like an invitation. Fantastic. Always knew one day those monkeys would come to their senses. I thank the concierge: “I’m off to Davos tonight Mauro!”
In the lift I start practising air-headlocks in anticipation of surprising George Osborne and throttling the smirking bastard. I ready my phone to call Alec and ask him what fondue joints he’d recommend.
But I muddled the letters. “WEF” was actually “WFE” or “Wine For Everyone”, a quarterly event arranged by a little charity I support.
So instead of Switzerland I went to Oddbins, at the bottom of Rosslyn Hill, to join a group of people I suspect were all rehabilitated Moonies. In the craft beer section of the shop I stood next to a partially mute hobbit called Trevor: “Delicious”, he squeaked, sipping the “generously donated” Australian blend.
“Generously donated” actually means: “dumped next to a highway because no restaurant likes to buy wine in yellow barrels with radioactive stickers on them”.
Tuesday
What is unfolding at the Zondo Commission hints at a theory I started to model in 2010. There are only about 100 really, really bad dudes in South Africa.
Central to the theory is not just the number of rotters, but the ease at which they can be linked to each other, across racial, political and economic lines, most of the time in just two degrees.
The updated top row of my model includes; the Guptas, obviously; those associated with Brett Kebble’s fraudulent activities and later murder; Jacob Zuma and most of his personal appointments; some colourful traders cum property developers with offices near Oriental Plaza; daai man Markus Jooste en al sy rekenmeester vriende (x 11) wat het geplot en gescheme in Findlays bar op Plein Straat (2017 entry) and of course, the Watson brothers from the Eastern Cape (Radovan Krejcir was also there until 2016).
Incidentally, one individual has since dropped out, crossed into the light. Robert McBride was once in the company of the late Cyril Beeka (who was one degree from both Radovan and two from Jacob) when a prostitute was assaulted in Sea Point (that type of thing also happened whenever Brett Kebble allowed the ANC Youth League to celebrate New Year’s Eve at his house in Bishopscourt – one poor tart had her arm broken in the jacuzzi).
Wednesday
From this 100 there are extensions that number probably around 300, essentially a crop of useful idiots. Shaun Abrahams is clearly a little bent sure – but not an especially bad dude. He is just an extension of Jacob Zuma – in the same way that Lindsay Maasdorp is an extension of Ajay Gupta – i.e ineffective without the principal.
Something to think about: 400-odd people from tens of millions – commissions of inquiry, exhaustive investigations, brazen theft, fake or crap news (The New Age and Sekunjalo respectively), endless appeals, the abuse and / or violation of institutional resources. 400-odd people.
Thursday
Presently a man called “Angelo Agrizzi” is in the stand at the Zondo Commission. In his affidavit, he speaks of a man called “Carlos Bonifacio” – also an employee of Bosasa. So what I’d like to know: when did things there suddenly become so exotic? Who’s next? Marco Groenewald? When is Giuseppe Vermeulen going to be issued a subpoena?
If this is going to continue – why don’t they just move the whole thing to the Vaal? Surely someone there has a spare lapa? Oros, I’m convinced, would be delighted to sponsor. Save us some cash.
Friday
The BBC is showcasing a series called ICONS at the moment in which the public must vote for the winner of each episode – and Nelson Mandela won the Leader’s category. He will now fight it out with the winners from the other categories, including sport, activism, exploration and the arts.
I was thrilled when Nelson won, but then I saw the reasons viewers had listed. “He didn’t kill (sic) those racial Afrikaaners (sic x 2)!” screeched Doris from Maidenbower. Mike and Una from Luton, with a EU flag icon wrote: “because he could have slaughtered the boers but he didn’t”. And here’s Derek, no fixed abode but fresh from the pub with some fellow flat-earthers: “I’ve just been with some very clever people and we all agree this is the best thing BBC has shown for a while. South Africa belongs to the blacks.” Ronke from Peterborough also asked if he (Nelson) wouldn’t mind assisting the disgraced former Labour MP Fiona Onasanya from “a racist conspiracy” against her. Maybe issue a statement of support or something.
