Mailbox: Syria explained – A highly restricted briefing document

Every now and again an email turns up and gets the creative juices going. This is a bit tongue and cheek but fairly accurate summation of the Syrian conflict. The email came from Biznews community member Paul Whelan and he gives full acknowledgement to whoever wrote it, as it simply turned up in his mail. – Stuart Lowman

President Assad (who is bad) is a nasty guy who got so nasty his people rebelled and the Rebels (who are good) started winning (hurrah!).

But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called the Islamic State (who are definitely bad!) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good).

Free Syrian Amy fighters walk with their weapons prior to clashes with forces loyal to Syria's president Bashar Al-Assad during clashes in Old Aleppo, April 26, 2015. REUTERS/Abdalrhman Ismail
Free Syrian Amy fighters walk with their weapons prior to clashes with forces loyal to Syria’s president Bashar Al-Assad during clashes in Old Aleppo, April 26, 2015. REUTERS/Abdalrhman Ismail

So the Americans (who are good) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad) and also giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) – which was good.

By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north run by the Kurds who want to fight IS – Islamic State – (which is a good thing) but the Turkish authorities think they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking they’re good and giving Turkey guns to fight IS (which is good) but that is another matter.

Getting back to Syria.

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So President Putin (who is bad, cos he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with polonium poisoned sushi), has decided to back Assad (who is still bad) by attacking ISIS (who are also bad) which is sort of a good thing.

But Putin (still bad) thinks the Syrian Rebels (who are good) are also bad, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) and who are busy backing and arming the Rebels (who are also good).

Now Iran (who used to be bad, but since they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now considered good) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad (still bad) as are the Russians (bad) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria.

So a Coalition of Assad (still bad), Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad) which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad.

Now the British (obviously good, except that nice Mr Corbyn in the corduroy jacket, who is probably bad) and the Americans (also good) cannot attack Assad (still bad) for fear of upsetting Putin (bad) and Iran (good/bad) and they have to now accept that Assad might not be that bad after all compared to IS (who are super bad).

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So Assad (bad) is now probably good, being better than IS (but let’s face it, drinking your own wee is better than supporting IS, so no real choice there) and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now possibly make them Good.

America (still Good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now Good) and that nice mad Ayatollah in Iran (also Good) and so America may be forced to say that the Rebels are now Bad, or at the very least abandon them to their fate. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe (bad) or join IS (still the only constantly bad group). 

To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims (Assad and Iran) backed by Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and hence many Muslims will now see IS as Good (Doh!)

Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and America in support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal (might have a point) and hence we will be seen as Bad.

So now we have America (now bad) and Britain (also bad) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to IS (good/bad) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (also good) and Putin (also now, unbelievably, good) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started.

I hope that clears all this up for you.

*With full acknowledgements to whoever wrote this, which simply turned up on Paul Whelan’s email. 

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