SLR: Zuma escape to Russia? Not quite…

The Zuma years are behind us, but the wreckage left behind will take many years to sweep away. It’s becoming increasingly likely that the ex-leader of this country will be left scot-free after many questionable years at the helm. His remorseless relationship with the constitution seems to have come to a standstill, however, we’ll have to wait and see if real justice is ever served. – Justin Rowe-Roberts

By Simon Lincoln Reader*

There’s lot of concern that Jacob Zuma is going to gap it to Russia but if its true, then it’s another bad idea from a man notorious for terrible ideas. To be a guest of Putin – Edward Snowden refers – you have to be interesting, or fun. Zuma is neither. He’s a teetotaling old crook – an average chess player – whose stories are about as dog-eared as his once supposedly disarming charm. Part of Zuma’s defence strategy involved a threat – repeated ad nauseam – claiming to know where the bodies were buried. When this Kraken was released, it hobbled out in the form of daydreams and blatant lies – the hype of an overactive imagination – not entertaining in the slightest. Besides, with an entourage of assorted skelms the size of his, inevitably an important official’s wife’s bottom will be pinched, it will all kick off, Edward Zuma will go missing never to be seen again and Duduzane will spend the rest of his days chopping wood in Eastern Siberia.


Dubai’s no good either. Messing around with those women results in the sharp end of the kebab knife. Besides, that Sheik over there is shifty, and needs cash all the time – he’ll go through our state capture loot in one afternoon, build a Colosseum for Hublot watches featuring the world’s largest slush puppy machine. Zuma could go to Turkey but there’s already one loathed old village chief in residence. The Saudis are still exhausted from Idi Amin’s exile; now Israel is friends with everyone else in the region, Zuma’s paranoia won’t let him sleep. If he starts warming to the idea of Belarus or any former Soviet corner, an intervention would be needed – ideally one that emphasises the history of race relations over the past 25 years in those places – with some examples of their charming football teams.


There is a solution here, and it wouldn’t require too much sacrifice – especially for a man with zero shame. Changing his name to Dorcas – identifying as a persecuted woman (strict lesbian) – would position him in the front of the queue for Joe Biden’s America. Under the Biden Administration’s recent executive orders, Zuma would not only qualify to participate in female track and field – he, sorry, she, could also lead the athletes into the stadium, light the flame. She could go straight into Scotland, into an especially considered position in that shitty wee krankie woman’s government, or Sinn Fein in Northern Ireland, where she and Gerry Adams could talk about electrical stuff like detonators and wiring – and disappeared political allies – all day long.


Consider this: Beijing24 sends over to the Scottish Parliament at Holyrood its Monty Python crack squad led by the Kommissar himself to interview Ms. Dorcas Gedleyihlekisa Zuma, who has just been appointed Minister of Ethics. “Hullo en kongratulations op jou nuwe job,” he squeaks, “but do you have anything to say to friends of Kwezi?” It might sound like Adriaan has just asked his first serious question in 10 years, but if Dorcas was to reply with: “Luister jy, climate change is real, and I’m on a crusade to jail skeptics,” then she would have penetrated Adriaan’s sweet little social justice instincts – winning over 99.9% of the world’s media – forever. New job with access to tax revenues plus massive victory over long established enemy equals RESULT.


Because there is really no other way. In the event he is ever hauled before the courts, South African’s rightly aggrieved about his abusive relationship with the constitution – as a political leader and as a citizen – will likely be disappointed (that’s just the way it works). No, the more realistic result is that whatever ends up happening – whether he escapes or not – the rest of his life will look just the same as his past. Which is to say, no peace. Real justice is perhaps divine.

  • Simon Lincoln Reader works and lives in London. You can follow him on Substack.

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