With his uncanny eye for real-life satire and by spontaneously linking two terrorism-related incidents, Simon Lincoln Reader once again entertains and reminds us truth is stranger than fiction. Like for Pieter-Dirk Uys and many others, his material is readily abundant; but the knack lies in seeing things the way they do. Recalling a radio DJ prank and linking it with the satirical claims of both South African and American ‘intelligence’ communities over the recent Sandton terrorist ‘threat’, he minces his way through the half-truths and ineptitudes that marked the local non-event. Of course, the spooks had only our best interests at heart. They weren’t the slightest bit interested in justifying their hefty salaries or trying to make us think we couldn’t possibly live without them. Either the CIA was miles ahead of us (tempting, given our spectacular showing in KZN in July last year), or we were working tirelessly in the shadows, about to leap on the dastardly would-be murderers, but were sabotaged by the CIA. Neither is remotely likely, Reader suggests. – Chris Bateman
What were those “terrorist” threats actually all about?
By Simon Lincoln Reader*
One of John Berks’ best characters was Basil the Hairdresser, and one of his best prank calls was to an unwitting single passenger a week away from boarding the cruise ship MS Achille Lauro. The poor man – Tony Cateruzzo from somewhere in the Vaal Triangle – had purchased a single ticket with shared accommodation. Basil called Tony where he worked (Nissan Vereeniging) and informed him he was his roommate. Tony became increasingly uncomfortable with the camp Basil flirting with him. Berks evidently pinched his nostrils as he spoke. Basil asked Tony to bring his bike leathers on the cruise, before explaining he wore blush foundation, was a “scaredy poop” and slept in silk pyjamas.
Last week, the first openly gay spokesperson for the State Department, Ned Price, went Berks’ Basil on South Africa. That is not to say he charged into a teleconference waving his hands and shrieking “A terrorism! A terrorism!”, but those revelations of a pending Islamist extremist attack emerged without the SA government being briefed first. Most South African journalists immediately sided with the Americans; these people can be excused as they were traumatised by Elon Musk’s accelerating takeover of Twitter; in such a state, it would have been impossible for them to think rationally, to acknowledge the recent form Americans have when it comes to intelligence.
Take the worst foreign policy disaster in that country’s history, for example, the withdrawal from Afghanistan last year. I have a suspicion that, on the day Afghan shepherds were descending on Kabul, Ned and his friends Kyle Griffin, a very bad producer at MSNBC, and Ben Collins, a very bad fact-checker also employed by MSNBC, were sitting down reading books about diversity. Ned had actually slipped a luxury wallpaper catalogue into his; these books are mostly A3-sized, use infantilised language and come with pictures, so, easy). Ned’s department intelligence suggested Kabul would fall to the Taliban in 90 days. At the point Kyle and Ben were reading about how men should pee sitting down (‘to be inclusive’), it looked unlikely that Kabul would last 90 hours.
I wouldn’t dare describe South Africa’s intelligence apparatus as trustworthy or competent. During the Zuma era, with Arthur Fraser as Kommissar X, many of our ‘spies’ lost all concept of discretion. One chap – reportedly a beneficiary of the slush fund established by Richard Mdluli and friends – was tying his shoelaces over his belly in preparation for lunch in Sandton City when he accidentally discharged his holstered pistol, the bullet grazing his ankle. An educated guess would suggest there have been at least three self-detonations in Bedfordview knock-shops, a whole lot of blackmail and extortion, and – if reports are correct that South African spooks paid off those Al-Shabaab fellows not to bomb the 2010 Soccer World Cup – surrender, too.
But if you’re receiving intelligence from the same country that was humiliated in Afghanistan, whose officials routinely remarked that the coof ‘vaccines’ prevented transmission and who cannot describe what a woman is – to name a few – shouldn’t you apply entry-level critical analysis? Apparently not if you work for Beijing 24 or any other pulped corpse; much better just to rely on that country’s own Hollywood-choreographed projection of itself. There, agents charge out of the darkness to disarm nuclear dirty bombs with pen knives. In reality, the entire enforcement apparatus has been so perverted by propaganda and woke extremism that they fail at stupid projects; trying to convince citizens that a former president colluded with Russia to win an election.
There is something else to this story. Three days earlier, Nigeria also received a threat, which also didn’t amount to an attack. This is a most unfortunate giveaway. Ned and his friends have been so busy designing the new ‘inclusion’ military medal that will be awarded to contractors who make deadly unmanned aerial vehicles when they suddenly remembered arguing over the colour board (from which they will select the medal’s fabric) was not in their respective service level agreements. Instead, they rushed over to the department’s diary and wrote “terrorist week in Africa (note to recent graduates from Ivy League universities: funnily enough it isn’t a country – don’t worry, we made the same mistake once – so just be sure to name a few states pls!)” in extravagant, beautiful cursive.
- Simon Lincoln Reader works and lives in London. You can follow him on Substack.
Read also:
- Is the US embassy taking Halloween to extremes? Sandton terrorist threat
- SLR: A bridge too far for Saltzman and Dis-Chem
- SLR: Oily snowflakes should Just Stop
