Going through a hard time? Don’t panic; you’re stronger than you think. By building resilience, you can develop the ability to face anything life throws at you – and to come out stronger than ever.
By Mark van Dijk
You’ve heard it a million times: Tough times don’t last; tough people do. But is it really that simple? Is ‘toughness’ or resilience enough to help you recover from moments of life-changing trauma?
US psychologist Martin Seligman believes that resilience is a crucial ingredient of a happy, healthy life – and his research confirms that optimism in the face of trials (just like pessimism) is something we can learn. Seligman’s team at the University of Pennsylvania’s Positive Psychology Centre have developed a theory suggesting that people (especially young and/or impressionable people) learn via social learning, and are likely to copy the attitudes and behaviours they see around them. If they’re surrounded by pessimistic people, they could develop what Seligman calls ‘learned helplessness’.
It’s a ‘woe is me’ mindset that would have you believe that whatever is going on in your life is out of your control, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. The bottom line? If you want to be more positive (and, therefore, resilient), spend more time with optimistic people who approach life’s challenges with an positive attitude.
Pessimism and the Three Ps
Seligman’s research has identified what he calls the Three Ps, which can stunt your recovery and limit your resilience:
- Personalisation: the belief that you’re at fault for everything that goes wrong
- Pervasiveness: the belief that an event will affect every area of your life
- Permanence: the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever
To overcome the Three Ps, you need to move past your natural negativity bias. It’s natural because it’s the result of centuries of evolutionary programming. Take the old carrot-and-stick example: our ancestors learned that while carrots are nice, sticks can hurt – so they learned to focus on (and avoid!) the incoming stick, more than the tasty carrot. Over time, our brains developed a bias for negative stimuli – and that eventually led to the negative perceptions outlined by the Three Ps.
Changing your bias
Seligman’s work suggests a few practical things you can do to shift your focus onto the positive and away from the negative. These include:
- perceiving emotions as data, and interrogating their accuracy as you would any other data
- making a deliberate effort to look for the positive aspects of every experience
- enjoying – and engaging in – positive experiences
- building on positive feedback, rather than allowing yourself to be broken down by negative feedback
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg used Seligman’s model of Positive Psychology to help her build resilience after the sudden, shocking death of her husband Dave Goldberg. As she pointed out in her book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy: “Hundreds of studies have shown that children and adults recover more quickly when they realise that hardships aren’t entirely their fault, don’t affect every aspect of their lives, and won’t follow them everywhere forever. Recognising that events aren’t personal, pervasive or permanent makes people less likely to get depressed and better able to cope.”
Rather than assuming that the fates are out to get them and the world is trying to punish them, resilient people choose to make meaning out of the circumstance. Resilient people choose to act, rather than allowing themselves to be acted upon. They take a positive view of negative events. There’s no cost or downside to choosing this option. If anything, there’s great value to be found in choosing to ask what you can learn from the challenges you’re facing.
‘It is the irony of all ironies to experience tragedy and come out of it feeling more grateful,’ Sandberg wrote. ‘Since I lost Dave, I have at my fingertips this unbelievable reservoir of sadness. It’s right next to me where I can touch it – part of my daily life. But alongside that sadness, I have a much deeper appreciation for what I used to take for granted: family, friends, and simply being alive.’
Trauma and tragedy can make you feel like you’re sinking to the bottom of the ocean. But if you arm yourself with self-belief, and with belief in your ability to deal with whatever life throws at you, you’ll discover that even if you do hit rock bottom, the bottom is firm. And – at the very worst – you can build a foundation of resilience from there.
- This article first appeared on the Change Exchange, an online platform by BrightRock, provider of the first-ever life insurance that changes as your life changes. The opinions expressed in this piece are the writer’s own and don’t necessarily reflect the views of BrightRock.
