SLR: Proof that aliens really are here

by

By Simon Lincoln Reader*

The ineptitude of the sneering, creepy Biden administration knows no limit. During the course of the week, officials prevaricated and obfuscated their way through explanations then excuses for appearance of UFOs across North American skies last weekend. But here at Biznews.com, we have managed to obtain ACTUAL evidence of extraterrestrial correspondence. 

Transcription of conversation between Alien Probe 1 Flight Lieutenant and Alien Mothership, 13th February 2023, Kepler-200 solar system, translated: 

[STARTS] 

Alien Wing Commander (AWC): “As you were Probe 1. Now detail exactly your observations of planet…um, earth.” 

Alien Probe1 Flt. Lt (AFL): “Sir. Last week the most populous country sent a balloon…”

AWC: (interrupting) “A what?”

AFL: “ A balloon Sir. A primitive form of travel, but these people sent one to spy on the north American continent, and after being permitted to spy, the Americans were pressured into liquidating it.” 

AWC: “Who permitted them?” 

AFL: “The leader of that country, the same man human who was then rushed into destroying it – one Mr. Joseph Robinette Biden.” 

AWC: “That Fidel Castro’s bastard?” 

AFL: “No Sir, that would be the leader of Canada, just above America. Now that you mention it, the bastard and Biden are bound by two remarkable features: they are both incredibly thick and hideously corrupt.”  

AWC: [audible moan] “Not remotely enlightening. Continue.” 

AFL: “Sir. The chaos surrounding the balloon propelled the idiot, excuse me, United States General Chief of Staffs, Mark Milley, into increased surveillance, so Probe’s 2 and 3 decided to test responses by releasing small decoys, basically other small balloons, which were targeted by missiles – one of which, erm, um [muffled giggling] missed. The missiles each cost $400,000 in man human money.”  

AWC: “Mark Milley you say? Is that the one who wears all those medals? Without ever having engaged in warfare? What are all those medals for?” 

AFL: “Affirmative Sir. According to our information, he has completed 3 advanced diversity courses in the past earth year. He managed the military’s ‘bring a girl-child to work’ day, for which he spent the other 364 preparing for, and worked with a weapons manufacturer to design a special drone in honour of something called inclusivity”. 

AWC: “Elaborate on the drone?”

AFL: “Well its odd Sir because it appears to be designed in the shape of a homeless one-legged man human wearing a tight vest that doesn’t quite reach the trousers. A face that could be described as one of despair and confusion is painted onto the drone’s head complete with a nose-ring. Its arms are missiles, and when it is launched it flies over its target, for example – a wedding in the Horn of Africa – then starts making a series of claims: ‘climate change is real’ and ‘there no such thing as a woman’ accompanied by the music of that devil worshipper Sam Smith. Then it detonates and kills everyone. The military also writes names on the these drones – the one we observed: ‘Trevor (He/Them)’.”

AWC: “Flight Lt, you should know better than to mention the devil worshipper’s name. Last week we wood-chipped over 100 of our subjects whom we caught in possession of his, erm, um, ‘music’. I don’t need to remind you: it presents an existential threat to us, much more than those silly nukes they keep on threatening each other with. Now, any information about leaders?” 

AFL: “Copied on the fat devil worshipper, Sir. Some new information we noted affirms our predictions that western civilisation is about to collapse. An AI program called ChatGPT has already been hacked, but it was programmed by people from California thinking California things, so it was useless to begin with. There was a train accident over the Ohio River in the United States, which feeds the country with approximately 10% of its water. The train is alleged to contain toxic materials. Now the man human in charge of trains, um, his name is Mr. [crackles / inaudible] Pete [crackles / inaudible] Butt [crackles / inaudible] gieg…

AWC: (interrupts) “Unstable connection…confirm you just said Mayor Buttplug?”

AFL: “No Sir – BOUT-EDG-EDGE was present at a press conference but chose not to talk about the train disaster, and instead complained that there are too many white man humans working in construction…

[SILENCE…approx. 10 seconds] 

AFL1: “Sir?”

AWC: [audible exhale]….”As you know, we have no interest in attacking planet earth. But say for some reason we did: would humanity unite against a common threat?”

AFL1: “I’m afraid not Sir. According to our modelling, the response would be as follows: academics in California would immediately accuse us of targeting minorities – trans people in particular. Then the world’s so-called leaders, encouraged by unelected groups, would insist upon another upward transfer of wealth, just as they did when that virus escaped the lab in 2020. Eventually the appearance of a united response would form, but it would be delayed by months as parties stalemated over the appointment of a Director of Equity. Bottom line Sir: we’d have to eviscerate the entire planet for one common link to appear.” 

AWC: “Which is?”

AFL1: “That they would all be dead Sir.” 

AWC: “One more question: did you note anyone who would benefit from our technology?”

AFL1: “Yes Sir. That beautiful country in the bottom centre, South Africa. They could use our latest iteration of nuclear, but seeing as we don’t do things called ‘tenders’, they might reject our offer of assistance, even if it were free, and prefer to sit still in darkness. Also, helping the ruling party of that country will not serve to help the world.” 

[crackles / connection lost] 

[ENDS] 

Jokes, no aliens lads, just this – from George Orwell: “Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing.” 

*Simon Lincoln Reader works and lives in London. You can follow him on Substack.

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